Looking For Love [In All The Wrong Places]

Recently I was cruising the internet out of sheer boredom...that and I was so full from the turkey tetrazzini that I couldn’t do anything except move my fingers. This is what lead to me to mindless reading and cruising on my favorite girly websites. It was on said websites that I discovered a trend that had been hiding in plain sight all this time. The culprit is as hidden as it is obvious, and it has to do with our love lives.

Do you find that you are constantly trying to figure out guys based on the secret code language he is using?? Say, for instance, he has a favorite Thanksgiving food, and you read an article about his food says about him (by clicking here) and then you realized that he likes the green bean casserole. This turned your little world upside down because that means--gasp!--he is never going to propose.

Luckily, just minutes later, you find another article on a different website wherein it read that if you sleep in a position facing one another it means that you are his true love. *sigh* He does love you. That was you thought so until you got your horoscope for the day and it told you that you would get some bad news from your “honey.” Shit... what an emotional roller coaster!

Sound like you? Gosh I hope not, but I have a suspicion there are more of you out there than are willing to come clean.

Fear not, single ladies, I am here to let you know that if you have read these things mindlessly and either believed them, or didn’t believe them but then couldn’t stop thinking about them, you are not alone! And of course, recognizing the problem exists at all is the first step to curing the disease of relationship sabotage through shallow articles. So say it with me, “These articles are for entertainment. They are generally meant to be funny and do not actually have any bearing on my relationship. Any connection is pure coincidence, and not an indication of real behaviors.”

Look, I’m not saying you won’t fall victim to the occasional read-a-thon on a night when you’ve had too much turkey tetrazzini, but what I am saying is don’t try to base your analyzation of any man (woman, child, or pet) solely on the dessert they order, the position they sleep in, or the kind of tie they wear. (Actually, if your pet orders dessert, that is really cool and does probably require further analyzation) In reality, these things may or may not have anything to do with anything at all.

Instead you must base your opinion of any one person on the actions and words placed before you, and, of course, you must also trust your intuition. Because when you are looking for answers to love in places like a plate or a choice of attire, you are looking for signs, not answers, and men are not gods--just people. People with penises. And contrary to popular belief, men do not have a secret code. (Women, however, DO have a secret code, which, luckily men will never be unable to unlock...but that is for another day.)