The Lower Libido Wins

Longterm relationships, what a journey, right? It’s crazy how things seems to ebb and flow. It was a phenomenon my mother always warned me about... and how true it becomes in the face of years!

There is an especially funny one that happens in my house in the ebb and flow department and it’s the argument of daily sex. Of course, it’s always the best ever ever thing when both the hubby and I line up on the issue, and more often than not, we seem to. But then again, there are times when don’t.

Our marital sexual philosophy is to strive to have daily sex. To some of you this may seem crazy. If your goal isn’t quite as ambitious as ours, don’t worry, everyone’s libido is different... and like I said we “strive” for this. At times we knock it out of the park, sometimes we get pretty close, other times, we miss the mark completely.

When we miss the mark, it’s likely one or the other of us makes grievance with the other. I was talking with a girlfriend and we were laughing, as women tend to do ,when making light of sex. We were joking about how we should just be sex machines all the time and then she says suddenly, “Well you know, the person with the lower libido always wins!”

Oh. My. God. Lightbulb moment! For how true it is that the person in the relationship with the lower libido always DOES win--even if it’s only by default. Because in a loving relationship you aren’t going force the other to bend to your sexual desires, and so they win... ugh! They win!!!

At times I am the culprit--the one winning by default in the frequency department--other times it’s my husband. The question is, how does the one who is feeling the grips of lowered libido pull themselves back up to a sexual homeostasis that both partners enjoy?

First off, you have to know your goal. Obviously you already know mine, but you need to set your own with your partner. That’s number one. Naming a sex goal for yourself and your partner also opens communication about sex, which for me, is the key. You have to have open lines of communication when it comes to sex because both verbal and nonverbal communication are what will ultimately lead to the most pleasure.

Secondly, when you are feeling a little low energy, which can lead to a lower frequency of sex, it’s always best to get back in touch with your sexual energy and what really turns you on. That’s when I suggest a foreplay only session to get you back in the mood. Give yourself (and/or your partner) something to linger over; something to get you back into that sexual feeling.

Then strive to reach your goal! When you feel like it’d be easier to tune out on the television instead of sliding between the sheets, push yourself to say yes instead and then don’t just go through the motions--really get yourself into it. There is a great book about the subject, too, called Just Do It. I really enjoyed the book and I highly recommend it for any couple!

Because winning by default... well, what’s the fun in that?