BIW Versus The Domination Fantasy

Ever since I read Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s been consuming me a little bit... is anyone else having this problem? The domination fantasy is force to be reckoned with and this book has brought it to the very surface. There is the part in the first book where the main character, Ana, says that she feels sort of guilty that the domination gets her so hot under the collar.... yes, Ana, I know how you feel.

As women, we have struggled so much to achieve this sense of equality between the two sexes. We don’t want to be inferior to men, and this is sort of the battle cry of the feminist movement, this equality. So to want domination, well, that can seem a little backwards for the feminist, can’t it?

This is where I am.

I wanted to just write a post of what a turn on domination is, but I didn’t want people getting it wrong...I don’t want people to think I have some rape fantasy to be perfectly frank. Which is when it occurred to me that in these books, the Fifty Shades series, there is something about the fantasy that is different--something that makes it appealing--that is easily overlooked.

So, the domination fantasy. Many people see that being talked dirty to, or having your head directed a certain way, or being tied up, or somehow humiliated, et cetera. But if you notice in the books, the Mr. Grey character is supportive, nice, and never really talks dirty to Ana, his “submissive” woman. While he might “punish” her for things she has done, never once does he call her any derogatory names. In fact, he is always telling her what a “good girl” she is even (or especially) in the heat of the moment.

That is what struck me. So maybe this dominant/submissive thing isn’t all bad... it isn’t about being called a dirty slut, or being made to feel like one... it’s all about enjoying the control that exerted over you and the dominant (male, in this case) actually being nice about it. But how many men can latch on to that notion in reality? After all, life isn’t a book, and what happens in real life can be much different than a fantasized novel.

How many women were disappointed when, after reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books, they asked the man in their life to dominate them and instead got an earful of dirty talk from their lover that left them a little appalled? I can hear a chorus of women now in my head somewhere saying, “No, not like that!”

The real reason that the book, or the domination fantasy as it relates to this book, resonates with so many women is partly because of the language he uses with her while all of this other stuff is going on. He calls her “baby” all the time, he calls out her name while he is climaxing, and he tells her what a “good girl” she is, even as he is engaging her in these very kinky sex acts. That is what sells it.

So then what is the REAL fantasy at play here.... is it the fantasy of being dominated, really? Or is it the taboo acts wrapped in such lovely language that really get us? I believe it’s the combination of things that make for the allure.

Because while I might want my hair pulled, I don’t actually want to think that my lover wants to hurt me...or that he actually thinks I am a dirty whore. No, I want to be told how very good I am for being bad!