Penis Power & Vagina Power

I was twittering around on twitter yesterday when Roger Ebert posted this video. (Please, you have to click this link because this video will blow your ever-loving mind!) This was surprising choice, in my opinion, from Mr. Ebert, but I am nonetheless thankful to him. In the video, Alexyss K. Tylor speaks about "Penis Power versus Vagina Power." She's not trying to be funny, but it ends up being hilarious.

Basically, what she is saying is men who know how to really please women in the bedroom make us ladies weak because they are players, experienced in the department of penis power. And when that happens, it becomes "programmed" in our vaginas and the orgasms these penis power men give us make us into "cum freaks." The most horrible part (according to Tylor) is when they take back their penises and then we become desolate, sad, and then.... yes, it's true... we turn to sex toys to comfort us. Mainly jackrabbits.

The best part is that this segment is taken from her show which is a part of Atlanta's public access programming. Vagina power. What hour could this show possibly air at, I have no idea. What I can say for certain is that this is something not to be missed. Damn, Atlanta, you really have something I totally am jealous of, besides all your southern charm!

Ms. Tylor goes through the whole litany of how these men do it to you doggie style, get you having sex in the mirror, make you call their name and then--bob's-your-uncle---they up and leave you. It all sounds like it's actually going somewhere until she tells the audience that while she doesn't have a Master's degree to hang on her wall, she does have a Master's in being played by men.

I'm going to go out a limb here and say that maybe Ms. Tylor is a woman scorned. And as we know, there is no fury quite like it. What I can say definitively, she's hitting men where it hurts--in the penis power. I don't have a Master's degree to hang on my wall either, Ms. Tylor, but what I can tell you, is that you have some lingo I'm finding really funny this Saturday morning. Though I am not sure I am entirely sold on your message.

What we can agree on is that there are men out there who are totally players. They suck, and we women have to be better than succumbing to their charms. But your theory makes you sound high....this penis power thing is frankly tripping balls because the mix of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Dr. Ruth sounds like "I have a penis dream!" and who can keep a straight face while thinking of that?!

Penis Power... well, I'm not so sure it's a bad thing. I am mean I'm hooked on it.... but my man can bling it out and, as you say, be working the walls and hittin' it in the middle. And all the while, I seem to keep my vagina power clearly intact, despite the fact that I have had sex doggie style AND in front of a mirror. (You do have me on the jackrabbit thing, though....my personal favorite sex toy is the pharaoh!)

She is right about one thing though, not all penises are created equal. Some, as she says, radiate heat through the clothing and you can just feel it. And that is precisely what I like. Give me the heat! But as Ms. Tylor points out, I don't settle for a "side of penis." I want the WHOLE enchilada. So, girl, I feel ya on that one--don't let your man give the side dish when you could eating the main course--especially if he is unable to afford you a meal from Long John Silvers. For real! 

Cooking For Your Dog- Part 2

Oscar waiting patiently for his dinner! 

So we've gotten the neutral foods down, right? By now I know you've set the base for your pets to have a happy dinner with some great gluten free dog food and some white rice. Now let's talk about cooling foods. We are getting to the end of summer, and the warm months of the year are a great time to feed your pets cooling foods. But did you know that cooling foods can be good all year long?

When my dogs went on a diet, I sort of felt like I was starving them because they weren't getting as much dry dog food as they used to. BUT, with the Traditional Chinese Medicine foods, I was able to give them extra veggies and fruits so that they were happy AND full. The cooling foods in the summer also help to keep their body temperatures down. My vet was very careful to warn me though: don't feed toooo many cooling foods, or the pet will be imbalanced. The same is true in the in the winter months...

You can feed some cooling foods, but not too many.

We found a good balance because, as you remember from part one, we are also feeding foods that are neutral and sometimes hot (more on hot foods in part three). Traditionally, foods that are green are cooling foods. Cucumbers, green peppers, zucchini, celery, green tea (yes, my dog enjoys a nice glass of green tea every now and again!), etc.

There are also other foods that are cooling that are not green, though. Tomatoes are one. Also mushrooms and watermelon. While it might sound strange to add these foods to a meal for your pet, it really is fascinating how they enjoy them! Watermelon, for instance, was a favorite summer snack for my pets. They would just eat it up like treats! Best of all, they could have as much as they wanted because it is low in calories and also quenches their summer thirsts.

I am providing a nice list for you at the bottom of this post, that was provided to me from my vet. Keep in mind that only your vet can tell you the optimal diet for your K9 friends, and this is meant to be a general guideline and in no way a diagnosis. That being said, my dogs are doing great since we started on this. I also found that it sort of changed the way I cooked for myself... for instance, I use up more leftovers with my own pets now than I did in the past leading to overall less waste! YAY.

Now to that list! The ones with the star are the ones I have given my dogs.

Meats & Dairy:                     Grains/ Beans:       Veggies/ Fruits:       Other:
Turkey                                  Tofu                       Spinach*                 Sesame Oil
Rabbit                                   Brown Rice*         Broccoli*                 Soybean Oil
Sardines in Spring water       Barley                    Raw Celery*           Green Tea*
Crab                                      Buckwheat            Kale
Millet                                    Mung Bean            Tomato*
Duck*                                                                 Seaweed
Catfish*                                                              Mushrooms*
Beef (free range/grass fed)                                  Kelp*
Goose                                                                 Zucchini*
                                                                           Bell Peppers*
                                                                           Eggplant
                                                                           Cucumbers*
                                                                           Watermelon*
                                                                           Pear*
                                                                           Banana*
                                                                           Strawberry*
                                                                           Kiwi
                                                                           Mango*
                                                                           Radish* 

Quick Fix: Honey Boo Boo's Sketti

I didn't mean to watch it. But I kept hearing all this Honey Boo Boo stuff and I finally had to check it out for myself. At first I was like, what's TLC getting at making fun of these people--and maybe they are making fun of them just a little--but then as I watched on, I was horrified as I slowly but surely fell in love with Honey Boo Boo and her Boo Boo crew.

I know, you may not have expected it from me, and you might think it's totally awful. If that is what you think then you are going to hate this post because it's by far the most disgusting post I have ever created. I normally hold on to my quick fixes for Friday, but this week, well, I had to break it out a day early....

After watching Honey Boo Boo's mom make "sketti" I just couldn't get it out of my head. Because it looked like spagetti-o sauce to me, and that really intrigued me. Deeply. And yesterday, you see, I was sick. I didn't feel like eating anything. But then I thought about sketti because I was thinking about the season finale of Honey Boo Boo.

For those of you blissfully unfamiliar with said sketti, it's spaghetti with butter and ketchup as the sauce. Yes, it sounds really gross...but also really good. If you are sick, or hung over, or in any state where you couldn't possibly feel any worse about yourself, then this is the recipe for you!!!

The worst part of this recipe is that it actually DOES taste like spagetti-o's....

Three simple ingredients, and I am willing to bet my pet goat that you have them all in your kitchen..... 

Two tablespoons of butter.... placed in a microwave safe bowl. I stepped up my game a little from Honey Boo Boo's style and used glass instead of plastic. Because I am willing to eat ketchup and butter mixed together, just not heated in plastic. 

No need to measure the ketchup--just do what I did and give 'er a good squeeze and count to four! 

You can boil 1/4 pound of pasta or use leftovers. I had no leftovers yesterday. 

In the last minute of the pasta cooking, pop your ketchup/butter mix into the microwave for 1 minute and 30 seconds. If your microwave works better than mine, it may only take 1 minute. 

Oooooohhhhh yeeeeaaaaah. Sketti Sauce. 

Drain your pasta. (I know you all will be so disappointed to know that I didn't throw it against a dirty cabinet to know if it was ready or not, but I just magically knew). Return it to the pan and pour your "sauce" over it. 

Mix it in the pan..... 

Now I did eat mine off of a plate; which is more than I can say for the way Boo Boo's family ate. The one sister ate hers out of the margarine container. Can't believe it's not butter? Your heart can't, either. 

Oh and for my Bossy Italian twist, I added parmesan cheese, because, let's face it, it couldn't get any worse than eating butter and ketchup as a sauce. 

Seriously though. It was goood. And I ate it all. I feel bad that I even know about this because I feel like it's a totally blasphemous thing to eat, but that even knowing that, it's gonna get made more times than I am willing to admit. 

Honey Boo Boo's Sketti

Time: 12 minutes | Serves 1 | Difficulty Level: So easy it should be illegal

You Will Need: 

1/4 pound of pasta 

2 tablespoons butter or butter substitue 

4-count squeeze of ketchup 

parmesan cheese (optional) 

Method: 

Boil a small pot of water on the stove. Add pasta to boiling water, reduce heat slightly and boil according to manufacturer's directions until tender. If you want to know if your pasta is done, throw it against your wall or cabinet or ceiling. If it sticks, it's ready. 

While pasta is cooking, put 2 tablespoons butter in a microwave safe bowl. Squeeze bottle of ketchup over the butter and count to four. That's enough ketchup. Set aside. 

In the last minute of the pasta cooking, put your butter and ketchup in the microwave and microwave on high 1 minute to 1 and 1/2 minutes (until butter is melted). 

Drain pasta and return to the pot. Pour the "sauce" over the pasta and stir. 

Serve on a plate or in your favorite plastic tupperware and top with parmesan cheese, if desired. 

Happy Honey Boo Boo Sketti! 

From The Canning Vault: Indian Apple Chutney

I did not want to make this chutney. Sometimes I get things in my head and I am not even sure why I think them. This was one of such moments. My aversion probably had something to do with apples. I admit I am getting used to having them in my diet.

I am not a huge fan of apples... well I should say, I wasn't a huge fan of apples until last year when I made my first batch of applesauce. I hated applesauce up until that moment. Then I tasted REAL honest to gosh applesauce, and something changed. But old habits die hard, I have found. So when I hear, "apple," I am still skeptical.

So when my mother in law and my mom were excited about apples this season, at first I wasn't. Ironically, though, I went and bought all the ingredients for this recipe on my own. Then I showed up for some apple canning and suggested we give it a try. I was trying to go outside of my own box. I am so happy that I did!!!!

This chutney is a revelation. So much so that when people eat it, I have noticed that they close their eyes to savor it. Of all the 199+ cans in my canning closet, I did not expect to break this out first, especially considering my feelings on apples, but it was the first.

Because it hit me: Duck. And apple chutney. Together in harmony!

I got the recipe for this chutney from the Simply In Season cookbook, which I feel like I have been talking about a lot lately. Because it's a fabulous cookbook. 

This chutney has a host of spices that really hit the palette in all the right ways. It's got cumin and ginger and cinnamon and currants and raisins and onions and apples and vinegar and brown sugar... are you salivating yet??? 

Even though I knew I was going to serve it with duck, I didn't want to force it on anyone. So I decided to just put it out and let people do it for themselves. This way they wouldn't feel forced into a chutney fate. Also, my husband can sometimes not be the biggggggggest fan of things that remind of curry and this chutney runs a fine line. 

My proud duck leg and the chutney. 

Let me just say: it was a match made in HEAVEN! 

I think this chutney will actually pair well with pork and chicken as well. Also, I am planning on trying it on brie cheese... but that will have to be another post! 

If you are thinking of canning, it isn't too late in the season to sneak in some apple chutney! I highly recommend this one because it's versatile and delicious! It would make an impressive add on for roasted meat, not to mention an AWESOME gift at Christmastime! 

I Need To Laugh About My Marriage

Let's face it: marriage is funny! 

My god, marriage can get so serious, can't it?! It's all love and flowers in bloom until you wake up one day and realize that sometimes you disagree about things, or just downright dislike the heck out of something your spouse did. In those moments, I feel the keen feeling of frustration and lack of power.

Instead of getting all crazy and yelling and screaming, it is better to cope in ways that don't stress the vocal cords. That is when I need to laugh about my marriage. I mean a good, honest laugh. Because marriage is strange and stressful and in all its glory, funny too.

Laughter, as they say, is the best medicine. And this is especially true in a marriage. Because not every argument will be solved in an hour, a day or even a week. Also because if you can laugh together, chances are you have a better shot at staying together.

Sure, my husband and I own our crazy. As crazy as we can be sometimes, though, boy do we sure know how to laugh with one another. Sometimes we even like to laugh about how crazy we actually are. That can be a great feeling. Like, "You are so crazy," and "Yea so are you!" followed by hysterical laughter.

Other times, this laughter can be harder to find... you know what I am talking about. Like, you had a big fight and there is nothing funny about it. That is when I need to turn to other sources for my laugh a minute distractions. Comedies are great for this. They can flip your mood... or maybe just an episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." That always seem to elicit some good belly laughs for me.

Laughter reminds us not to take ourselves so seriously all the time. In a marriage, there are times when I just take myself and my husband entirely too seriously. We are just people. We are people who have decided that we can't live without one another. We are flawed. We make mistakes. We can't always give ourselves what we need, let alone give others what they need.

Yet, we married folks, be us straight or gay, have given our lives to one another, and for better or worse. There are times when I find that just downright hysterical. If you are married and you don't find it at least slightly humorous, then I am afraid the joke will likely be on you. Because what married people do to each other over time is a comedy of farce.

Laugh about it! Celebrate it. Heck, I don't care, secretly hate it, but for god's sake, LAUGH ABOUT IT! It might put things into perspective for you a little.

The next time your husband or wife does something that is just over-the-top, sort of crazy, laugh about it! Life is short. People do dumb things. Laugh with me about this and the over-exaggeration of relationships that we call "marriage." As far as I am concerned, it's funny as hell.

And I need to laugh about it. 

Monday Blues + Chocolate Cookies = Neutral Zone

Today I am a little sad... because I had to come home from a great trip with my girls to the Outer Banks. Plus, it's Monday. Sure, I live at the beach, and trust me I love the area where I live, but I also don't actually make it to the beach that often. So taking a weekend getaway to someone else's beach, well, that kind of felt like a small summer escape.

Nothing makes a Monday suck more than when you have just ended a great mini vacation. But I don't want to be all negative about it. So let's have ourselves some chocolate cookies--that should make everything all better. "C" is for cookie--it's good enough for me!

I spotted these cookies on Pinterest or something, and it lead me to this website, Bailey Bakes. She's a little sweetie with a sweet tooth and I just couldn't resist these chocolatey cookies! I am trying ever so hard to teach myself to bake, and so these really hit a great note for me.

I like to have everything ready to go before I hit the mixer running. Hehe. 

Seriously, though, this Kitchen Aid mixer is one of the best gifts I have EVER gotten. It makes baking so much more palatable for me. 

When it was all mixed it up it was nice and thick and yummy. I know because I tasted the batter. I always taste the batter. I have batter issues and NO I don't care one lick about the raw eggs. We all gotta go somehow, and if I die of a poisoned egg, well, at least it will have tasted sweet because it was probably in the batter. 

The hardest part of this recipe? Waiting while your dough chills in the refrigerator... and during that time not sneaking into the fridge to taste said chilling dough. Hardest part. 

Once you have waited out your 2 hour chillin' time, then you can remove the dough and roll it into little balls on the cookie sheet. They don't spread out like, say, a chocolate chip cookie might, so you can put them kinda close together, like so. 

This was probably my favorite part... well... besides the dough sampling part. I like imprinting my cookies with my thumb. I don't know why, but it seems forensic! 

Then you fill them with chocolate chips. YUM! Double chocolate delight, here I come! 

What a nice lot of cookies I've got ready to go! 

A few moment in the oven and we're in business, these cookies and I! 

Milk and cookies?! Just what the Monday ordered, don't you think?! 

They were a big hit! Also, I loved that they weren't toooo sweet. They really let that chocolate flavor shine through rather than overpowering it with a bunch of sugar. Also, you could really put anything in the thumb print. Next up, I think I'll try putting some nice bacon crumbles in the thumb print! 

CLICK HERE for this totally awesome recipe!!! 

Quick Fix: Facebook Therapy

Usually my quick fix is a food thing... either something you can make really fast or some quick trick that will help you over and over again in the kitchen. Well today, I want you to consider your virtual life the "kitchen" and this is your quick fix: you need some FaceBook therapy. Lucky for you, I am here to help. Just a quick moment spent on Bossy Italian Wife and you will have your virtual life fixed up in no time....

Too bad your actual life won't be as easy to fix; but I digress. Don't let this healthy little dose of reality get to you... it's all via the internet and you can click away anytime it seems too much.

Don't Jump! 

So many people get their virtual lives twisted with their real lives. I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when I saw someone post about wanting someone to come and shoot him. Seriously? That is wack. NEVER post FaceBook stuff that can make you seem suicidal. This should be common sense, but you know, sometimes when we are feeling depressed or just generally down in the dumps, we can forget that people actually see our FaceBook updates. They do.

So stop saying you are going to kill yourself or that you feel like your life is over... someone might actually take you seriously and call the cops...or de-friend you, depending on the frequency of your posts.  If you are actually suicidal, that is SERIOUS. Call your local emergency room, or post it on FaceBook, where [hopefully] one of your friends will stop your impending doom.

Your Politics Suck 

They do. I don't care what side you're on, you're on a side and someone hates it. They also hate those 20 memes you posted on your FaceBook wall...and your popularity is dwindling, not just online, but in real life because Marcy saw you at the grocery store and wanted to talk to you, but remembered that dick thing you said about her chosen candidate and was worried you might bring it up in real life.

The thing is, if you wouldn't say it real life, maybe you shouldn't say it on FaceBook. We all watch the news and you aren't changing our minds via your latest FaceBook rant. So limit your political posts to two a week, even one a day maybe, and call it "social [media] etiquette."

Relationship 411 

Did you hear that Rachel broke up with her boyfriend? And then they got back together? And then it was soooo way complicated because they told us in a post. Oh. My. God. Grow up. I don't need every detail about your relationship to play out virtually because it's literally boring me!

Keep in between the walls of whatever room you are arguing in people... the thing about humans is they change their minds. We all know because you updated us to every change in your gamut of emotions.

Negative Posters Need Not Apply 

Do you ever notice how some people only post on FaceBook when they are in a crappy mood? No? That's because IT'S YOU! And people don't "like" it. Don't believe me? Just try--I know, but try--posing a positive FaceBook status update and see how many likes you get versus your normal crappola. I bet it'll be way higher.

The fact of the matter is, people get sick of hearing you complain whether it's in real life or online.... and chances are if you are complaining online, you are whining it up in the real world too!

This has been yoru session of FaceBook Therapy... and look at that, you didn't even have to pay for it! 

You Should: Hardcore Make Out With Your Spouse

The other night [last week] it was all rainy and dreary and we had just eaten dinner. Then we were watching Downton Abbey on Hulu Plus and we started talking all jazzy-sexy. You know the talk. Where you are both half playing and teasing and half offering up an interlude to foreplay.

And then it happened; on a pass through the kitchen we brushed one another and before we knew it: epic make out session.

It was not a PG make out session, let's put it that way. It all started with the sexiest move known to women: the "push her against the wall and kiss her like you mean it" move, which is one of favorites. There was also full-on I-don't-care-that-you-have-stubble kissing happening. And hands in hair.

 It had been far too long since we had a proper hardcore make out session. This happens. Nearly nine years, three dogs, two cats, one cat who ran away making it one cat, a marriage, a business, and countless hairstyle changes later--these things happen.We forget to make out.

I'm not proud of it. We should NEVER stop making out. Because it's just so satisfying but also because it's so fundamental. My friend Paul says that your spouse should always be your boyfriend or girlfriend, and I couldn't agree more. I want to always feel that rush when I am kissing my husband... it will never, ever be like the first kiss; nothing is like a first kiss.

But every kiss we've had since has built upon that first kiss and then time snowballs it all into something so big you can't imagine it wasn't ever there. Then you make out one night in your kitchen and that first kiss seems an eternity away and yet, there it is, so close you taste it on your tongue--a sweet honey.

My point in all this? Whether you have been together a month or a year or a decade, you should make out--hardcore--with your spouse. It brings you back to all the fun and sweet things about kissing that we sometimes forget about. And then you can have awesome sex afterward, if that is what you choose. Either way, making out should stay on the menu! 

A Taste of Scotland!

One of my sisters-in-law is living abroad in Scotland this year. Her job sent her there because she's super-awesome and they needed someone just like that to help them train on new software. She was promoted to manager, like, the second she arrived because her coolness in the workplace shines like a lighthouse on the shore. 

I miss her a lot. 

One of the [few] perks of her living sooooooo far away in a foreign land is that she sent us a package positively bursting with goodies from the land of Scots. Another perk is hearing all the fun words that just don't translate in Scotland... like "spunk." Once my sister in law told some friends in Scotland she likes to keep her nails painted because she liked the "spunk." Spunk in Scotland, though, is a male sexual excretion... so her Scotty friends must have thought "Boy this American girl is kinky!" Hehe. 

But back to the food. She sent us a ton of great stuff which lent itself very naturally to a tea party! So the whole family got together in name of Scottish tea biscuits and we drank tea with our pinkies up while we enjoyed these very Scottish treats. All in all, I am in love with Scotland's processed foods. 

Milk Chocolate Tea Cakes are basically like the Scottish version of Mallow Cups, but BETTER because they have that cakey center. Plus, their packaging is cooler. Suffice it to say that if we had these in America, I would probably drink more tea. 

What is Scottish Tablet you ask? Well, I ate some, as did Daren, and I think Daren's mom, and we are still asking ourselves the same question. It tastes like frosting, but has the consistency of taffy while simultaneously reminding me of condensed milk. Rule #1 about Scottish Tablet? Don't eat it after midnight. You might turn into a gremlin or you might just get a wicked stomach ache that wakes you up in the morning. 

Three bars to a package? For the love of god--why?! It takes one Tablet! 

A little less adventurous, and totally devoured in seconds. But I don't feel like we need a whole lot of explanation because you should know what shortbread fingers are. 

These tasty logs are not like logs at all. They are basically wafers, and they were delicious! Pair these suckers with some tea and you've got a snack that really satisfies. Actually, pair these with basically anything you have a snack that satisfies. Okay, who am I kidding.. I could eat these for breakfast. 

This version has coconut surrounding the caramel goodness. Which was a nice touch. 

Okay, remember how just one photo ago I told you how much I loved those coconut caramel wafers? Yes? Well, I love these EVEN MORE! This was my favorite wafer of the day. I might have eaten the one that someone left after the tea party, too. And I might have coveted my husband's wafer, too. And I might have asked my mother-in-law (who is in Scotland this week!) to bring me some back. 

Bacon Tasty's. 

Yes. Trying a Bacon Tasty is like seeing the bacon light. They taste like pork rinds with a distinctly bacon flavor... but they are a wheat snack. We gobbled up two bags of these in record time. Also, I tried some bacon tasty's with a little blue cheese crumble on top and I have to say, it was pretty delightful. This year for Christmas, I am asking Santa for Bacon Tasty's...since he's likely to stop in Scotland first, anyway, because they are five hours ahead of us. 

Point of fascination about this food (see picture below) is that they are dubbed "Suitable for vegetarians"--say huh?!!! The package also said that it causes excitability in children... I am not sure if that is because they are bacon flavored and that is exciting or because they eat them and it makes them hyper. Also, we couldn't find the calorie count on this bag.... what gives?! I guess Scots think a waist is a terrible thing to mind! 

I don't know if you can see this on the package because of the size of the picture, but it says, "Light crumbly Scottish biscuits that melt in the mouth." For some reason, I just loved the way they worded that. It was a distinct point of fascination for me. But the word biscuit in and of itself is just misleading for me because I thought it was going to taste like a cracker. I was wrong. These tasted like girl scout cookies! YUM! 

And for the record, they totally melted "in the mouth." 

Our Scottish lay out. Fancy, huh?! 

Because We "Can Can Can!!!!!!"

My mother-in-law, my mother, and I canned a ton of fruits and vegetables this summer. We canned our butts off. For a while there my schedule was as follows: eat, sleep, can, work, repeat. Canning and preserving is a ton of fun; sure, sometimes you are on your feet for eight to ten hours in a kitchen, but at the end of the day, when you look at your bounty, it's all worth it.

We have playfully dubbed our operation "Canning Club," because the three of us have become a well-oiled machine. We can can at the drop of a hat. And it's a good thing, too. Sometimes our farmer will surprise us with 50 pounds of peaches; other times he'll drop 100 pounds of beets at our feet. We take whatever we get and we can it!

The end result? A wealth of cans. I had to do an inventory I had so many jars. A serious honest-to-gosh inventory. We aren't quite done canning yet--apple season has just begun, after all. But we've gotten to a good point where I wanted to stop and share my work with all of you in cyber space.

Since I have sooooo many cans, and such a variety of wonderful things to eat this post is the first an ongoing series that will be called, "From The Canning Vault." It's going to show you all the ways I am using my canned goods in real life. I hope that it inspires you to get in the kitchen and perhaps to get into some canning and preserving.

Canning Club has totally enriched my life. It's amazing what goes on between three women in a kitchen. And we often invite over other ladies to come and hang with us while we can, and toward the end, we have some cocktails and share whatever leftover from canning have occurred; sometimes it's a great salsa and chips, other times we've got a great jam to share. But what really keeps Canning Club running is the great bond we share as women.

We bare our souls and talk about everything from relationships to family to sex and better canning and preserving techniques. We laugh a TON, cry a little, and I have found it to be a great emotional support and outlet. There is just something between women that cannot be described--such a bond.

Without further adieu, here is my canning inventory (as of September 6th) and a few pictures!!!! Enjoy!

Jams and the like: 

Strawberry Jam- 10 jars
Blueberry Jam- 7 jars
Peach Jam- 10 jars
Pepper Marmalade- 7 jars
Peach-Cantelope Conserve- 4 jars
Plum Conserve- 6 jars
[Indian] Apple Chutney- 4 jars

Beets:

Pickled Beets- 3 pint and a half jars
Hot Pickled Beets- 3 pint and a half jars
Pickled Beets with Onions- 8 pint jars

Peppers:

Pickled Banana Peppers- 5 pint jars
Hot Pickled Bell Peppers- 3 pint jars
Hot & Sweet Pickled Bell Peppers- 1 pint jar

Applesauce (spiced)- 6 pint jars

Peaches:

Spiced peaches- 4 pint jars
Peaches & Nectarines (mixed)- 4 pint jars/ 1 quart jar
Drunken Peaches- 3 half pint jars/ 1 pint jar
White Peach nectar- 3 quart jars
Peach & Kiwi nectar- 3 pint jars
"Just" Peach nectar- 4 pint and a half jars

Other Fruit:

Plums- 4 pint jars
Drunk Pears- 5 pint jars

Tomatoes:

Bruschetta- 8 half pint jars
Medium Salsa- 8 pint jars
Chipotle Salsa- 5 pint jars/ 5 half pint jars
"Just" Tomatoes- 17 pint jars/ 7 pint and a half jars/ 27 quart jars
Tomato Juice- 3 pint jars/ 3 pint and a half jars/ 7 quart jars

TOTAL JARS CANNED: 199 !!!!!! 

BIW Versus Dog Shaming

I have been seeing all these dog shaming pictures on the internet and I have to say, they are pretty funny. I have been into dog shaming for quite some time because I have three dogs who do some crazy crap.

My husband and I made the attached video about Shaming Your Dog: Teen Mom 2 Style. What can we say? We were just really inspired by Janelle's horrible mother who has her own special breed of shame. 

Let's be honest, the woman could make a can of mixed vegetables feel bad about it's lot in life. That and I am hopelessly addicted to reality television, with the 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom series being somewhere around the top of my list. 

But back to the subject at hand: shaming your dog. It's all a little funny because, if you have ever owned a dog, you know that they do some things that inevitably really make you mad. But you love them anyway. Sure they rolled in some combination of dead and poop and then you had to wash them, but you love them anyway. Or, if you are my dog Oscar, you like to eat poop and then try to give really long-tongued kisses. 

The best part is that while we humans can be totally mortified by our dogs' behavior, they actually feel little shame.... like the time my one dog humped the other one so hard his penis just got stuck out in the flaccid state--while we had dinner guests over. 

The funniest, most ironic part of the dog shaming phenomenon is that my husband actually thinks the pictures online of people shaming their dogs with signs is really stupid. This is because he says that dogs can't read. His stance on these signs is made funnier by the fact that he is starring the in above aforementioned dog shaming video... and he wanted to play the leading role, despite the actual reality that Janelle's mother is a woman. [He believes he did her voice better.] 

It just goes to show you that there are different forms of shaming that are acceptable to different people. Not all shaming will satisfy all people. Me? I could care less... shame 'em if you got 'em! That's my motto. I am all about some good old fashioned dog-shaming humor. 

Happy Monday. Enjoy. 

Quick Fix: Freezing Bell Peppers

I am into preservation these days. Hardcore. I have canned the daylights out of every fruit and veggie I could get my hands on, and now I'm also onto freezing. I wanted to talk about bell peppers because they are currently in season. Bell peppers is one of those veggies I just LOVE.

But let's face it, they are soooo expensive at the grocery store, and it doesn't seem to matter if they are in season or not--they are pricey. As a result of this, I rarely buy them. This year, though, after getting a ton of peppers from our farmer for a premium price, and pickling more peppers than I would like to admit, I was ready for freezing....only I didn't know it.

My mother in law introduced me to this trick for freezing, and now I am addicted. I am nearly sure I have enough frozen peppers to get me through the winter. The farmer across the way from me sells bell peppers for a $1 a pound, making them a premium deal for me.

Check out these peppers bringing some serious color!! I think they are just gorgeous. 

They are all washed and laid out on a clean towel, ready to be sliced and diced and all preserved. 

When it comes to these peppers, I do them two ways (thanks to my mother in law who introduced me to this method, of course!) One is by cutting them in half. The bigger, more symmetrical peppers are great for this. This way I can pull these out of the freezer, and stuff them with rice and meat and bake them in the oven. YUM! 

I have taken out the seeds and the stem and all that jazz. 

The other way is to cut them into nice strips that can be used for stir fry or other cooked dishes, like fajitas! 

Also I wanted to mention (for clarity) that you don't need to cook these. We are freezing them raw. 

The trick is to lay them in a single layer on a baking sheet and freeze them BEFORE you package them. This is because when you just throw them in a bag and freeze them, they could all stick together, making a clump. If they are frozen individually and then packaged together, they can be pulled out individually and you can just use what you need as you need it. Neat, right?! 

Here I used my vacuum sealer to seal these peppers, but you don't need a vacuum sealer to freeze the stuff. I have some in my freezer that are in Ziploc freezer bags, and those work well too. 

Happy freezing everyone!!! 

Capture that taste of summer while you still can!!! (And save money doing it too!) 

An Open Letter To Anal Tattoos

Dear Anal Tattoos:

You seem to be trending lately on websites and butts everywhere, and I think it's time we had a talk. Frankly, I have nothing against you personally, but I find you puzzling. Why someone needs a butterfly that leads to their bum hole is a phenomenon I can't fully comprehend.

What possesses someone to your clutches is baffling... who is just sitting around and says to themselves, "I think I should get a tattoo on my bottom that depicts the seven dwarfs and their cave that leads directly to my glory hole!" I suppose that getting an anal tattoo denotes an amount of privacy, but quite honestly, if I were undressing someone and came across a permanently inked picture on their nether-cheeks, it would give me serious pause.

Permanent butt art just takes private parts to a new level, and I suppose I am not sure if I should reject you or thank you. On the one hand, some of these rears that get tatted are just downright ugly to begin with, so you may be doing them a favor. Nothing distracts from those child-bearing stretch marks like well-placed scenes from ancient Japan.

But on the other hand, when I see pictures of say, two hands, one on each cheek looking like they want to pull the butt cheeks apart, well, it makes me think of people sticking things in your butt. I can't help it. That brings to the place in my mind where I start thinking that people who get butt and other anal tats are just really into anal sex. By that time I have spent so much time thinking about anal tattoos that my brain hurts.

And there is my issue: anal tats make my brain hurt.

Will someone PLEASE end this madness for me?! Explain to me the allure. It's just not your average tattoo. Why the butt? Why?!!!

Sincerely Yours,

Bossy Italian Wife 

Comfy Undies, Comfy Foods [Onion & Bacon Torta]

My underwear drawer is crammed with undies of all varies. There are the lacy ones, the thongs, the full-backed comfortable cotton pairs, the printed pairs, the designer pairs, the pairs my husband gifted me... all kinds. But there is a war brewing beneath all that material... a fundamental war of do I choose style or comfort?

Sexy undies have their place and time... I just prefer to put them on  for the purpose of showing them off. Sometimes I wonder if it's just another symptom of marriage--trading comfort for style. Sometimes I feel that my husband could care less what I am wearing--he just wants it off. Are we past underwear altogether?

All this thinking about undies was making me hungry. Of course. That is the logical progression of any thought that occurs in my brain: How does this relate to food? Well I got to thinking...

Comfortable underwear are like comfort foods--they wrap you in familiarity and love. You can go for them anytime. But as with those comfortable underwear, I am always curious where the two can meet in the middle: comfort and style. Foods can be comforting and also sexy.

So while I slide into my most comfortable and sexy undies, I thought we could make a comfortable and sexy food together. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the torta. It is an Italian variety of pie that is filled with savory and delicious filling. It sounds fancy, and is totally easy to make.

It's perfect any time of the year, and is a dish that impresses guests... kind of like those really comfy undies that knock your husband's socks off, right?! So maybe we can marry the concepts, and this torta is proof.

Simple ingredient make up this dish: 

bacon, potato, onion, garlic, puff pastry, heavy cream, eggs (not pictured 'cause I totally spaced on it), oregano, salt, pepper, cayenne, and parmesan cheese 

You want to start by setting out your puff pastry so it can thaw. 

And preheating your oven to 400 degrees. 

Then Cook yoru five pieces of bacon on the stove about 15 minutes or until crispy. 

Once your puff pastry is soft and defrosted, you will probably need to roll it out to fit your spring form pan. You don't HAVE TO use a springform pan, but if you are serious about cooking, you should start getting used to them. If not, hey, don't let me tell you what to do. Use any old pan you got! 

This is my puff pastry, draped over the springform pan and ready to go; You are going to fold it over your filling, as you will see. 

Two onions, sliced into half moons. 

Two potatoes, peeled and sliced into half moons. 

By the time I have knocked all those things out, my bacon has crisped to perfection and I have set it aside on a plate with a paper towel. 

In the same pan that I cooked the bacon in (WITH the grease still in it!) I add those potatoes and onions... DO turn the heat down to medium! 

And two cloves of garlic. Let those all cook, stirring occasionally, to prevent sticking or burning. 

Two eggs, one bowl: epic beating! 

This is movie code for beating two eggs in a bowl, beaten with a fork. 

By now your potatoes and onions (and garlic) are all yummified. It's like mummified, only better. 

You will want to crumble your bacon... 

And add it to your potatoes.... 

Now we are going to pretty much throw everything in the bowl and mix it up and then pour it into the puff pastry! Starting with the parmesan cheese....

A dash of cayenne pepper... 

A teaspoon of oregano... 

Small palmful of salt... 

And a little bit of pepper 

Mixy Mixy now! 

Add your eggs.... 

And your cream... and mixy some more! 

Then pour it all into your puff pastry you've set up. 

And fold it over. This part doesn't have to look pretty or even symmetrical. I call it rustic. Hehe. 

Now pop this sucker into the oven for 35-40 minutes or until it has reached goldeny perfection.... 

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! 

Hello lovely little torta, nice to EAT you! 

I served mine with a little mixed green salad with onions and cucumbers. 

It was lovely and comforting and everything I hoped it would be! 

Billie's Onion & Bacon Torta 

Time: 1 hour | Serves 4 | Difficulty: Medium 

You Will Need:

5 pieces of bacon
2 small onions
2 small potatoes
1 puff pastry shell
2 eggs
1/3 cup heavy cream
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon oregano
1/3 cup parmesan cheese
dash of cayenne pepper
salt and pepper to taste

Special equipment: 9 inch springform pan

Method:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Remove puff pastry from freezer and let it sit out about 20 minutes to thaw. When your puff pastry is thawed, you will want to roll it out a little so that it fits over your springform pan. Drape the puff pastry over the sides of the pan. You are going to fold them over your filling, so it doesn't have to fit like a pie crust would. (See pictures above).

In a skillet over medium high heat, cook bacon until crispy--about 12-15 minutes. Remove to a plate with paper towels and set aside.

While the bacon is cooking, peel and slice your potatoes and onions into half circles.

When the bacon is done, add the sliced potatoes and onions into the same pan (with the bacon grease). Add your minced garlic to the pan. Reduce heat to medium and cook about 10-12 minutes or until potatoes are softening nicely and the onions are becoming translucent. Stir occasionally to prevent sticking and burning.

Once the potatoes and onions are cooked, place them in a medium mixing bowl. Crumble bacon and add to the potatoes/onions.

In a separate bow, beat together your two eggs; set aside.

Add to the potatoes/onions your parmesan cheese, oregano, dash of cayenne, palmful of salt and pepper to taste. Stir.

Add in the eggs and heavy cream. Stir to combine fully.

Pour your egg/potato mixture into your prepared puff pastry shell. Fold the edges of the puff pastry shell over the egg mixture (see picture above) so that the puff pastry is holding in the filling securely without it spilling over. The look doesn't so much matter because once it puffs up, it's going to look beautiful.

Bake in a 400 degree oven for 35-40 minutes or until the puff pastry is puffed and golden looking.

Remove outer ring of springform pan and, if desired, move to a serving plate.

Enjoy!