Us Weekly Is Stalking Me

I have never subscribed to magazines in my adult life until I became a writer. Once you become a writer, though, you sort of need to subscribe to some of your favorites, and the ones you can't afford to subscribe to, you just read them in the book store or library. I mostly subscribe to food magazines--which I know must come as a complete shock to all of you.

Anyway, one day I went to my mailbox and there was an Us Weekly in there. I thought it was strange. I never subscribed to this magazine....I had never even read an Us Weekly, but  it seemed like a fun magazine to read. I mostly looked at the pictures. The weird part was that the next week, another Us Weekly appeared in the mailbox again... and this phenomenon continued. 

It has now been over six months since the mystery Us Weekly began materializing in my mailbox. But in June they started threatening to take away my imaginary subscription for which I have never received a bill or paid for... 

Every week it's the same routine, "It's your LAST Us Weekly! Renew now!!" And every week I'm like, "How can I renew a magazine I never subscribed to in the first place?!" Why do they want me to read it so bad?! And let me also say, this magazine is horribly expensive. 

Sure, I mean, the pictures of celebrities in their "who wore it best" section is pretty amusing. But I can stage my own version of that because my mom and sister-in-law actually showed up wearing the same dress in different colors to a recent tea party I threw, and that was WAY better than seeing two celebrities duke it out for victory of who wore it best. (Which, by the way, we decided my mom won the top portion because of her bust size and my sister-in-law won bottoms because she has the better backside.) 

And yes, for the record, every once in a while I am excited to see what Kourtney Kardashian's baby looks like or to hear about what a celebrity is carrying around in their purse. I am an addict for the little section, "25 things you didn't know about...." But I am NOT about to pay to read this garbage. Because I just don't care that much. 

It's like twinkies. I have never bought a twinkie in my life. It's total junk. Now if someone started mailing me free twinkies in the mail, I would eat them... but I wouldn't renew my twinkie subscription if they suddenly asked me to pay to keep receiving the twinkies. Seriously, Us Weekly, get a clue--and get off my back. No matter how many notices you send me of the fact that you terminating my relationship with you, you should know, it was over before it started.