The Disturbing Judgment of Other Mothers....

I knew before I got pregnant that parenthood came with a lot of shame; I had read about it over and over in Brene Brown’s books. I had the unpleasant opportunity to experience such shame when I wrote about my experience with my sexuality and pregnancy and a small placenta issue several weeks ago.

When my doctor told me to refrain from sexual intercourse, I was distressed. I wanted to talk about the medical necessity of it--I wanted facts. My husband and I did our research, weighed the facts and decided to follow to the doctor’s advice while remaining positively optimistic about this being a temporary situation. In the meantime, we got creative in the intimacy department. Oh, and BlogHer picked up the piece I wrote to feature in their family section (fuck me, I was actually excited!)

That was when other mothers started weighing in on my story. I was called selfish. I was told that my child would never know a loving home. After someone else reposted the BlogHer piece on Thebump.com, women commented in that they wanted to “cunt punch” me (that was a new one) as well as  many, many other nasty things I dare not repeat. All of this for merely considering that I had any type of sexual needs. All of this for wanting to be spoken to by a doctor like the educated, insightful woman that I am.

Mother after mother came out in the comments section to tell me just how awful I was-- already a failure as a parent-- for wanting to simultaneously maintain a little autonomy while being a parent. They said that I should be there to serve my children and that they should always come first. I guess these things work for them, and so that is how every mother in America should function. Step out of line with that rhetoric and you’re likely to catch a case of cold hard shame in the very worst ways.

When I became pregnant, I knew that dipping my toes into the mommy blogging world was going to come with some controversy. When it comes to parenting, people feel very strongly about their views. It’s a deeply personal journey. But I resolved to be candid, and to try my best to be nonjudgmental toward other women and their personal views because, frankly, as those commenters showed me, there is enough shame to go around.

What I keep coming back to is why? Why do we, as women or mothers, feel the need to vehemently defend our parenting choices by downgrading others and being generally disgusting human beings? If something works for one woman, but is vastly different than what we do, why do we automatically feel  threatened? Why is it that when one woman is in distress, and expresses her vulnerabilities, she is seen as selfish and the question of who comes first is never “the mother?”

Why are mothers so goddamned judgmental toward other mothers? Where is our sense of sisterhood?!

For me, it’s very much like feminism...(which you can read about HERE)...we are so busy being self righteous that we lose sight of the fact that we can embrace diversity and support one another in the process. We shouldn’t reject something because it’s different from what we do. Can’t we just say, “I don’t feel the same way” without having to call names or feeling somehow personally affronted? Is there really only just one way to be a parent or a mother for that matter?

And while I’m on it, what in the world is so bad about suggesting that parents deserve a life of their own outside of parenting? Some of the most successful parents I know (who have been married the longest, by the way) subscribe to this belief. They take date nights. They send the kids to grandma’s house once a month. They let their children cry it out a little (sometimes a lot). They set clear boundaries with their children when it comes to adult time. And their children are happy, secure and well adjusted.

For me, it is no better or worse than the soccer moms out there who devote time to their children and feel that “being mom” is their number one job in life. If it works for them, who am I to say otherwise? We aren’t all the same and one way of doing things won’t work for all of us. But we are all sharing a universal experience of parenting, right?

As a writer, it’s tough to walk the judgment tightrope. As a woman, and a new mother, I’m learning it’s even harder than I imagined. What I have learned so far is that being pregnant is an incredibly vulnerable experience. I imagine that being a parent will find much of the same...but what I don’t understand is why other women pick up on that vulnerability and seek to crush it with searing shame.

Is there really not a moment when these women said to themselves, “Gosh, I know I am pregnant but I really want to feel like a sexy woman?” Can they honestly dig within themselves and find no compassion for  a woman who feels like doctors sometimes bark at her and tell her about her own body as if she had no knowledge or intuition?

I had this fear of being a parent before I got pregnant...I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to take the leap. Once I found that faith in myself to do so, I dove in wholeheartedly and with abandon. But I think, looking at this particular situation (which is seemingly small in the scheme of life) that some of my fears about joining the mom-club were justified, especially the fears that revolved around other mothers. Sometimes other mothers are the ones who we come to fear the most, and perhaps with good reason.

What we perhaps SHOULD be ashamed of, is the shame machine itself and our own participation in it. I am guessing that if I have experienced it already, that there are lots of other women who have, too. These other women who are out there saying nasty things are the commentators; they are, as Brene Brown says, the critics. They aren’t in the arena...they aren’t putting their own stories, fears, mistakes and triumphs out there for me to comment on. They are just the ones saying they want to “cunt punch” me for being honest and authentic.

So, if you want to reject the shame machine, join me in the comments section and tell me YOUR SHAME STORY. Tell me about a time when someone tried to shame you (mother, non mother, whatever) and how it made you feel. By talking about these things, our shame magically dissolves and has no place to live. Take that! Hahah!!!