The path of parenthood is wrought with uncertainty, and not just where the baby is concerned. For me, before I became pregnant, I worried endlessly about what would happen to the state of my relationship with my husband if we were to introduce a third party (the child) into our marriage. Some of my fears turned out to be founded and others, well, they didn't pan out at all. Here's what I have found out in the first three months of having a baby as it relates to my marriage.
Fear: We would fight all the time
Reality: We fight about the same, which isn't all that much
I was scared that the stress of having a child would cause us to fight more than normal...the truth is that my husband was very understanding of my stress postpartum. So when I had my two week melt down because I was feeling overwhelmed, (and unceremoniously attacked him for "going on runs" and "living life") it didn't turn into a fight at all. Why? Because my husband was extremely understanding that it was a difficult time.
Other than that, we haven't been fighting any more than normal, which really isn't all that much. The biggest thing here for any couple is having a constructive fighting style that allows you to resolve problems quickly.
Fear: We would never have sex again
Reality: We have sex about the same, but like sexual ninjas
Now we have to sneak away in our own home to have sex because our child seems to have this super stellar radar for whenever we are about to get busy and starts crying. So it's off to the living room, or bedroom, or whatever room we can stealthily sneak away to where our little one won't notice we've gone for a few moments of intimacy (usually while she's napping). Ninjas.
Does it sometimes take extra energy at the end of the day (or beginning of the day), yes. But it's also worth it to have those moments of carnal reconnection that are essential to a marriage. And the unexpected quickie here or there reminds me that besides being "mom and dad" we are first a couple.
Fear: Our social life would dry up, which would make us unhappy.
Reality: We've never been busier.
Our social life has blossomed with parenthood, which is a very unexpected surprise! People who have children are always willing to socialize, and now I understand why: adult human contact is sooo important. But I don't want to discount our friends who don't have children, but have been extra conscious about reaching out to us. The village has surrounded us, and it's amazing. Thank you, village.
Fear: We would turn into these super cheesy parent people.
Reality: We haven't changed, we were already those people to begin with.
We already sang silly songs about each other, stayed in on the weekends, and liked playing with toys (and gadgets) so honestly, not all that much has changed. We still have our strange senses of humor which I assume we will pass on to our child, and but for a few new child-oriented things, we are mostly the same. Turns out, we were already those cheesy parent people only we didn't know it!
Fear: I would be doing all the baby stuff and would resent my husband.
Reality: We both do a lot, it's possible I do a bit more (breastfeeding), but we have different strengths.
If a mother is staying at home while the husband works outside the home, and that same mother is breastfeeding, then it's cut and dry; mom is gonna have a little more work in the beginning. But I have been able to keep my resentments in check because my husband has been very helpful and loving toward our daughter. He changes diapers like a champ, and even dances for her when she cries.
Any time I have felt overwhelmed, I try to explain it to my husband, and he tires his best to help in any way he can--even if it's not baby related. The thing I have learned above all about my marriage since having a child is that we are truly a team. We bring different strengths to the table, which ultimately makes for a more well-rounded household and hopefully a well-rounded child.
What has changed for you and your husband since you brought home baby? Let me know in the comments sections below!!
Other than that, we haven't been fighting any more than normal, which really isn't all that much. The biggest thing here for any couple is having a constructive fighting style that allows you to resolve problems quickly.
Fear: We would never have sex again
Reality: We have sex about the same, but like sexual ninjas
Now we have to sneak away in our own home to have sex because our child seems to have this super stellar radar for whenever we are about to get busy and starts crying. So it's off to the living room, or bedroom, or whatever room we can stealthily sneak away to where our little one won't notice we've gone for a few moments of intimacy (usually while she's napping). Ninjas.
Does it sometimes take extra energy at the end of the day (or beginning of the day), yes. But it's also worth it to have those moments of carnal reconnection that are essential to a marriage. And the unexpected quickie here or there reminds me that besides being "mom and dad" we are first a couple.
Fear: Our social life would dry up, which would make us unhappy.
Reality: We've never been busier.
Our social life has blossomed with parenthood, which is a very unexpected surprise! People who have children are always willing to socialize, and now I understand why: adult human contact is sooo important. But I don't want to discount our friends who don't have children, but have been extra conscious about reaching out to us. The village has surrounded us, and it's amazing. Thank you, village.
Fear: We would turn into these super cheesy parent people.
Reality: We haven't changed, we were already those people to begin with.
We already sang silly songs about each other, stayed in on the weekends, and liked playing with toys (and gadgets) so honestly, not all that much has changed. We still have our strange senses of humor which I assume we will pass on to our child, and but for a few new child-oriented things, we are mostly the same. Turns out, we were already those cheesy parent people only we didn't know it!
Fear: I would be doing all the baby stuff and would resent my husband.
Reality: We both do a lot, it's possible I do a bit more (breastfeeding), but we have different strengths.
If a mother is staying at home while the husband works outside the home, and that same mother is breastfeeding, then it's cut and dry; mom is gonna have a little more work in the beginning. But I have been able to keep my resentments in check because my husband has been very helpful and loving toward our daughter. He changes diapers like a champ, and even dances for her when she cries.
Any time I have felt overwhelmed, I try to explain it to my husband, and he tires his best to help in any way he can--even if it's not baby related. The thing I have learned above all about my marriage since having a child is that we are truly a team. We bring different strengths to the table, which ultimately makes for a more well-rounded household and hopefully a well-rounded child.
What has changed for you and your husband since you brought home baby? Let me know in the comments sections below!!
My husband and I are thinking about having a baby soon. Every worry that you described in this article is something that has gone through my mind. I am glad to see that I am not alone !!! Thanks
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely not alone! And, hey, if you didn't think about these things, I think THAT would be a problem!
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