Things No One Tells You Before You Become A Parent

I come across these posts often...the ones where they are all about telling you "what you didn't hear" before you became a parent. But they are so PG. I mean, really, yes, no one told you how much you were going to love your child, or how much you would cry about commercials or whatever. Or they are about poop--as if I don't have those conversations enough already! Blah blah blah.

Look, if you really want to know some shit, I'm about to tell you. This the real deal. Or at least it is for me. If you don't have these issues, god bless ya. I wish I woulda known.

Your electric bill will go up 
God love me, I never saw this coming, but if you think about it, it totally makes sense. I have to heat a whole extra room now. There are lights in said room that I didn't have before, and those lights stay on. Guests come over more often, and, of course, I am home waaaaaay more than before I had a child because her life revolves around her home right now. So, do yourself a favor and prepare for bigger bills.

You will hate those baby channel shows
At first you will try to reject them in the name of all things adulthood. And then, before you know it, you are singing the theme song from Harry The Bunny with your own set of lyrics (mine goes, "He's Harry the hoarder, he's full of disorder.") I woke up one night with the Baby First channel theme song in my head one night...it was horrifying.

Giving up the word fuck will be harder than you think 
Oh my fucking god. I can't fucking stop saying it. And it's like I tell my husband, "stop fucking saying fuck or our child's first fucking word is going to be fuck." Ah...fuck it.

Porn is ruined
I used to enjoy porn. You know, here and there, nothing excessive. I don't know how it is to have a son because I have a daughter...and it's ruined porn. Suddenly all those chicks are someone's daughter, who used to be a baby. Fuck.

It will take an average of four tries to watch any show 
Okay, it's not really a huge complaint because, hey, at least I am still able to watch my shows (for now anyway, while my kid doesn't understand.) But seriously, sometimes I miss watching a damn show all the way through on the first try. Even when I do get to watch it on the first try, my attention is usually diverted trying to peel my kid off something she is climbing, or playing with her on the floor with the TV as background. Thank goodness for DVR, right?

Other adults become creepy
Once someone said to my husband and I, "The good lord had a plan when he didn't give me children; if he had, I would be in jail right now. But I like your baby--she's really cute." We thanked her for the compliment and mentally logged to never let her hold our baby. Ever. Other adults never creeped me out so much in all my life...suddenly I see people in a whole new light, and it's like a flashlight that they are holding under their chins in the dark. Creepy.